Pregnancy brings a strong urge to nest. Since I am Pregnant w/My New Life it's only right to go threw all the phases and stages. Cravings, unfortunate weight gain and all. But with this pregnancy you have a lot more control of. I nested with both of my boys which came closer to their deliveries. This pregnancy I'm choosing to begin the nesting process now, so that when I'm mid way through I will be much lighter. So my plan for is to eliminate 40 bags and 40 items from my home before I turn 40. Here's Bag #1.
Heading out the work place to my last SCHEDULED Dr. visit for this month besides my routine visits. I recieve a call from Kaiser. I schedule my next Biopsy for 11/2 to make sure all is well with the BOOBIES. So today I have an Optomatry appointment. I'm pleased to announce that I'm turning 40 with 20/20 vision. She complimented me on how healthy my blood vessles are and how wonderful my eyesight is. She inserted some dye in my eye to check for dryness and I must say I never new you should lubricate your eyes as you do your skin. To top off the 20/20 vision and the flood of compliments she gave me a bottle of Refresh to lubricate my eyes morning and night. I must say I left feeling pretty good. Till next have a wonderful day.
I write this letter to the both of you to express that I honestly forgive you both. I truly understand the circumstance at the time of my birth and as I grew up. However I do know that you both love me and are very proud of me as your child. With the mixture of each of yours blood line and DNA I am very sharp. With all of the challenges we have faced I would not trade either of you in. Love Always.
I will not use the word everyone, I'll go with a lot. What makes me different from a lot of people is that I enjoy being alone. This is not a discovery of maturation, I've always enjoyed the time that I spend alone with myself; as far back into my childhood that I can remember. I'm often questioned as to why I choose to spend time or go places by myself. I love me I really enjoy my own company. No one knows me like me or enjoy ALL the same things that I enjoy.
Whew! I really do feel pregnant; lumpy breasts and many Dr. appts. If memory serves me correctly, 3 days after I posted my initial post, I discovered a lump in my right breast on 9/19.Ususally in a situation such as this I'm consumed with fear, worry, stress and axiety, however, I must say I was a soldier. I've been to Kaiser so many times this month and I still have one more visit to go. I started on Oct. 2, with a complete physical and a couple of concerns. I'm begining to think yea Shit does change overnight. I've been experiencing pain and swelling in my ankle that I've never experienced before and as mentioned earlier, the discovery of a lump. So after my physical I'm ushered off for Xrays and a recommendation for a mamogram. Prior to all of this I begin routine visits to the dermatologist. I'm trying to follow the orders of Kenneth Beer, MD. He says that taking care of your skin is a lifelong concern and reminds us that it should be at the top of the list of medical precautions on your midlife list. In this short period of time I have went back to seize a dream of becoming a foster parent and preping myself for an entrepreneurial plunge of owning and operating a group home for pregnant teens or first time mothers that are in the foster system. Steps have been made though it's still more to go. Friday I leave work a little early to make it to yet another Dr. Appt. Well this one is for my momogram. Going to get my boobies played with. First time having one so I only expect to get them pulled and squeezed and sent on my way. I was so not prepared for what came next. I knew there was a lump but for some reason I thought or was hoping they would say "oh, it's not cancerous nothing to worry about but good for you for coming to get it checked out." So after having my partial nude photo shoot, I went to the radiology department for sanograms. OMG, she found a lump in the feft breast and swollen lymph glands in both arm pits. Ok now my mind is beginning to race as I lie on my back and try to complete the find the hidden objects in an overall picture of a bumper car scene from a Highlights leaflet. Shit gets really fuckin real when she explains that I need to have a biopsy done. I'm thinking ok cool. Maybe I'll break down and cry in between now and the time I have the biopsy done. Wait a minute she's preppin me to have this done NOW. I'm not even leavin the department or room. It's goin down now. So WTF do you do besides put your big girl panties on, lie back and choke on all the overwhelming emotions that you are feeling. So the body piercing begins. First the left armpit then the left breast, not to bad physically but I think I'm going to gag on the emotions that are caught in my throat. All through the procedure the radiologist is talking with me and reassuring me that if I feel anything to let her know. She must have seen the emotions that I would not speak or let out cuz she was extremely gentle. Ok now we're at the right boobie and though I don't feel the pain I realize that it's tough goin in ( I guess I do got tough skin) this is where for some reason I felt like I was being raped , violated and butchered all at once and I don't know why I felt like this. Ok on to the right armpit. I need to reposition myself so that my head is now where my feet were. I'm able to watch on the screen as she inserts the needle and inject the clips(oh the clips are for in the event that these lumps are not benign and need to be removed). OMG this is a lot. After my body piercing I am explained and ushered to have another mamogram so that they know exactly where the lumps and clips are located so that if necessary the correct area is removed. I sense that this is an extreme trying time and or moments for people and their loved ones because it was laced with so many scriptures, bible verses, and other closely related materials, basically they are even calling on the grace of God and knowing that he may be the only one to comfort you and your family. Ok I'm feeling drained and sad,but the show is not over yet. The last pics of my breast were magnified so she showed me where I had a cluster of calcium deposits the size of sand that didn't come up in the first mamogram or the ultrasound, so she suggest that I have another biop to make sure it's not cancerous. "We can't do it today because the department is already closed." Lady I can't deal with another anything and damn sure not the feeling I had to experience of feeling alone in this journey without my three key players. My bad I had to get it all out. I don't want or welcome cancer into my life, body, home and family, but before I stress God and myself out with Why Me? I'll continue to be a soldier in my life and instead ask "Why Not Me?" I've felt all along that I'm here to do greatness, but in the last year it is crystal clear that I am here to serve and will always serve no matter what educational or career path I may journey along. I hope that all my close friends and family forgive me for not sharing with them first in person, but I have learned myself. I need time to process what I'm going through and how I'm feeling before I put it out on the table. I need to prepare myself for the responses and dialouge that will come up and sometimes I'm not fully prepared. I'm not searching for pitty and refuse negativity. This is just what I've dealt with in my first month of being Pregnant With My New Life. Always a Survivor regardless of the obstacle.